I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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