Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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