today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Randomize
