i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
