I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize