Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
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