I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
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