I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
