She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize