I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
