If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
