Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
