Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
