stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
