I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
