One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
