I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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