I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
