you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
