So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
