Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
