so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
