Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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