Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
