I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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