3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
my liver is dry heaving
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
