I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
