Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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