i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
