i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize