it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
