I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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