and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
