Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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