I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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