Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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