I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
