I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize