Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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