I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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