I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
