My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
