Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
