So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
