They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
this beer tastes like vomit already
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
