I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We are two peas in an std pod
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
