U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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