Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize