you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
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