I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
wrigley field is MILF paradise
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
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