take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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