How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
