I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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