i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
