I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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