So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
