totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
