Umm I'm too high to move.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
