I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
