I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
