I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
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