His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
